the zhaf speaks

Thursday, February 26, 2004:

slog

life marches on inexorably and inevitably, free of mundane predilections, subject only to divine law and regulations. tomorrow the sun rises regardless of the depth of tragedy that strikes in innumerable places worldwide. my thoughts, my struggle. my feelings, my battle. in this sea of chaos, if you are incapable of taming the intense and unruly demons that dwell within then forget about trying to subdue the undesirables without.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:13 am

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Tuesday, February 24, 2004:

hrm

the long awaited undressing of cj finally happened today. HAHAHA. happy belated b'day boy! salad dressing... hmm somehow that seems more apt than the whipped cream papaya and eggs we smothered him with AND with such youthful glee too! some kinky soft porn please. rotfl. show no mercy, for you will be shown none.

why do we do a lot of stuff? sometimes it's just to reassure ourselves and nothing more. psychoanalysis is tacky in this respect. like which intentions are manifest and which are covert? which are conscious and which are just repressed tendencies on a jailbreak? can't think on an addled brain.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:37 am

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Sunday, February 22, 2004:

resignation and tribute.

i used to ask why. but over the years after putting together the glimpses of daylight, the jarring reality is that things happen for no (apparent) rhyme or reason sometimes. to ask why is futile at times. the guy up there has his own plans and who are we to ask why things happen the way they do. the real world is a mad one. it helps though telling yourself you can contribute a scintilla of constancy as a safeguard against the chaos by keeping it together and being strong, come what may.

they say the good ones go quickly, too quickly, sometimes.
it was certainly true for him. we never said a word to each other. but you seemed slightly different somehow, even as i saw you from afar, heard what your students had to say about you. the way you went, it seemed you really wanted to push the boundaries. respect. you've earned it. the world has lost a diamond in the rough. rest well sir.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:39 am

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Wednesday, February 18, 2004:

stalemate

yes a game, a bloody game. we play, everyday, keep each other at bay.
not a very smart tactic... no?
so if i give in first what's that supposed to mean? and if you give in first?
it should be alot simpler don't you think? dammit we're friends, and supposedly good ones at that! dao lor. hmm.

an insufferable week spent looking for a complete, unfucked mp3 of real world ends. okay so the mp3 is 24kpbs which means it's borderline screwed, but at least i get to hear the whole friggin' song. damn you hmv when you're out of stock you really oughta replenish. and you wonder why people download mp3s.
_|_ -.- _|_

it would be interesting being penetrated by a million pricklies haha. time to see mr.acupuncturist. solve my ankle woes at long long last.

apart from sch stuff... yea guitar jap and pool. must make time for these 3 things. when you've forgetten portions of the hiragana then you know you're out of touch. applies to pool too judging from that session with my older bro few days back. and yes time to start the journey to hendrix-dom.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:06 am

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Monday, February 16, 2004:

bush-i-do?

...kill whoever stands in the way, even if that be Lord God, or Buddha himself...
i've stumbled upon this all over the place. lone wolf and cub manga, kill bill vol.1, zen philosophy and in some instances adapted slightly for western appropriation. when i think about it, it stretches things a tad too much. if God were against something happening then no way in hell you'd be able to get it to occur. it'd probably be harder than taking apart the great wall of china bare-handed. but i guess the essence of it all is that timeless samurai philosophy. a steely and resolute will. (obsessive?) single-mindedness and unbridled determination. to believe that you cannot fail in your endeavours. i can't carry it with me that far. but it would suffice that i expunge thoughts of failure from my mind. focus on the process and let the outcome take care of itself. bushido is pretty darn fascinating. can't abide by the harakiri part though.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 7:53 am

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Sunday, February 15, 2004:

: )

pretty fun not going to school, knowing you have plenty of time with which to do what you will. i could sleep or listen to music or exercise or play ps2 or watch tv or use my massage chair or read abit or do some work or clean up my room or go for a walk or stare at the ceiling and think or play the violin or bang the piano or eat lots and lots of food. surprising isn't it, how one can feel so liberated within the confines of home sweet home. so many things to do and i can feel my body winning the fight, the exorcism of flu is almost complete and my ankle's just a few steps away from complete recovery.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 7:10 pm

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after the storm

i could have handled it a little better. a little slower. a little steadier. but that's that. btw if you're gonna just sit around like royalty and slack, then don't expect much of/from me.

pain is ephemeral. comes and goes. prolonged you get accustomed to it, numbed. so yea guess it isn't a big deal.

anyway happy bday to my gay bro, gabriel gn! haha glad you liked my cake :) man it was super rich and stuff, not a good idea for someone flu stricken like me to have consumed it. damn i missed your stripping. grr. nvm there'll be another time. and yes my real bro faiz too heh...

i keep thinking about all the consequences and ramifications. the pitfalls that could result from but a few moments of inebriation. stop running through my head, don't you ever get tired? yes and fears, many of them. the more i think about it though, the more it seems that the only thing worthy of fear is fear itself. i don't know what to do. i'll figure out something along the way.

btw these few days have been a poignant reminder of how important immediate family is. few others will give unconditionally. few others will worry so much for you. few others will cushion your fall so readily. and you owe so much to them, over everyone else in your life. so before it's too late i wanna spend time with all my dear grandparents. me and my older bro were talking about it. we want to hear their stories. we'll listen in earnest to their pearls of wisdom, their advice. and hopefully we'll be the vessels through which their unfulfilled dreams and aspirations can come full circle. me and my brothers, we are their legacy. it's time to give back, to clear old debts. though in all honesty they are debts of love that will be nigh impossible to repay.

ah yes aunty i'll mail you, sorry i didn't get to chitchat much while you were over. a whole myriad of time parasites kept me busy. back in usa by now i think, i'm missing you already :(

a valentine's day spent with family. yep it's been a little different this year. but you were still on my mind :). so how'd you like the surprise?

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 2:35 am

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Wednesday, February 11, 2004:

silent scream

and yes living sometimes becomes painful, excruciating and intolerable. still, i wanna live. sucker for pain? no, straining my eyes to spot that glimmer of light meekishly shining in from the grey sky. trudging painfully but determinedly forwards, trying to reach for that tendril of hope, the realization of my hopes and dreams.

it's hard. i'm tired. i'm hurting, physically, emotionally and mentally. teachers, enemies, friends, family, hobbies, pleasure and the pain. a potent, mind blowing concoction indeed. but life goes on.

sometimes the pain blinds me to the good i'm sent. on retrospect i did get a fair share (of good). so i guess it's time to say, thank you. but still, the silver lining's a measly portion compared to the whole.

when oh when will the pendulum sway my way...

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:10 am

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Tuesday, February 10, 2004:

observed

can u spell
p-a-n-g-s-e-i?
i know i could smell it.

sometimes i just need to drink more water and get some shuteye.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:36 am

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Sunday, February 08, 2004:

simple arithmetic

one and one is everything
one and none is as good as nothing

you're pretty adept at putting two and two together. figured it out by now?

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 12:10 pm

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on a night like this

last night i dreamt of you lying beside me...
i smelled the sweetness... of your hair...

real world - d side

something tells me i shouldn't have done that. stems from the fact i've taken the milieu and all for granted. move on... move on...

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:43 am

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Tuesday, February 03, 2004:

topsy turvy

drats man came so close to killing my ankle today. try landing tiptoe on one leg. that's a enormous amount of pressure on the joints dammit. gah pain pain, but i'm not that much in a fix compared to zhikai who twisted his ankle today on another awkward landing after some gay rebound. but we're strong! a little less intensity tomorrow for me and by sat training it'll be 100%. but zhikai, sigh, swollen ankle. hoping with all my might that it won't be more than a week.

if there is such a thing as karma then i definitely accrued tons of screwed up karma today. losing my temper like that was unacceptable, even if they were clearly out to get me. come to think about it retribution couldn't have been anymore fleet of foot than that ankle strain just now. as much as i felt bad about the whole thing they weren't for settling amicably either. "foul". one word. strong, loud and clear. you gonna read a ton of meaning into that? with the ensuing verbal barrage in response to that, you just made me wanna laugh. save it for hokkien rap competition...

once i was told to move through the world without apology. i used to think it was absolute crap. recent events have caused me to reconsider, judging by the number of people who don't deserve it. still how many times have i been unworthy of forgiveness? an astronomical number i'm sure.

yea i still think humans can't ever be as merciful as God. but think about it, you'd want to be forgiven too. so maybe our memories should be slightly shorter term so forgiveness'll come a little easier.

sorry y'all. i'm truly sorry. you know who you are. even if you don't fuckin care anymore, sorry. i bear you no grudge, to do so would be a complete waste of my energies. have you all stopped it? don't waste your time letting it fester.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 7:52 am

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